Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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