guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
