Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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