I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
