chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
