I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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