Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize