Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
