Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
