Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
