tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
