overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize