Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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