If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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