he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
