So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize