hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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