Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize