You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
