Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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