I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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