I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
