u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
