it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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