I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
