I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he fucked my hip out of place.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
