Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
