I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
