if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
