I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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