My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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