Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
