The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
