Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
