When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
