I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
