I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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