I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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