3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
