How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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