i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
