when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
