Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
