i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
