Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
