You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
