I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
