I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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