I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
