I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
