She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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