Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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