You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize