The maid of honor just puked.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
