sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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