Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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