You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
