i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
