I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
