oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
