i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think im going to throw up on grandma
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
