im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
