he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
