just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
