I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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