Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My ass is underappreciated
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
