My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
