I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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