Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
