4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
